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noon's looms
string loose taut bones,
and set fire to the stones
in the street's roofless rooms.

noon's looms
spin nuclear & worn,
and blare their bloated horns
over clear, lazy fumes―

trees are opening the palms of their hands,
with their lines of fate
borne low with the waiting leaves' weight,
& drawn on the noon-air's sand.

birds are screaming and surprise themselves
with their leaps & caresses & fights;
their wings are still much too bright,
and the winds are collapsing shelves.

men in the road are all clear as glass,
worn through & see-through, with wine in their lungs.
their bloated arms are rusting guns
and the dreams that they dream are gas.

noon's looms
tidy up their strings & their lamps,
and the routes on their clerical, spherical maps
curve off... tomorrow to a fierce, dull bloom.
©2009 ~root-kite
:iconroot-kite:

Author's Comments

some months auld.
o ho, rhyme..!
I only write about the sun these days. baaaah

Daily Deviation

Given 2009-07-14

End-rhyme should be fresh, surprising, and natural, and noon's looms by ~root-kite pulls it off well. (Featured by ^SparrowSong)

Comments


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:iconsalshep:
"men in the road are all clear as glass,
worn through & see-through, with wine in their lungs."

now, that's an image.

wasn't too hot on the bright wings line, it seems a colourless petunia in a much more interesting onion patch.

--
unknown command error: sleep
:iconroot-kite:
so it seems. I like the contradiction in it, compared with what I'm talking about, but it is certainly colourless.
thanks Sal.
:iconsalshep:
it's not really contradiction so much as the phrasing that bugged me.
maybe I've just seen too many poems employ "bright" lately.

&Np.

--
unknown command error: sleep
:iconpenessence:
Original use of language

--
We are such stuff as dreams are made on, rounded with a little sleep - The Tempest

*Rhyme-and-Reason ftw
:iconanarchypress:
I assume this is you, Kasper. How have you been?

I agree with Sal about the wings line. It just doesn’t seem to hang the others.

I also didn’t care for “with their lines of fate.” It felt like “of fate” was just in there for the sake of rhyme.

The rest was lulling and vivid.

~Michael

--
[link]
:iconanarchypress:
It's more than that, I think. The rhythm of the line feels off. "still much too" seems too conversational, given the language of the rest of the piece. And there seems to be no context for "still."

~M

--
[link]
:iconroot-kite:
well the 'line of fate' is the crease in your palm that supposedly tells some fortuneteller something significant.

but yes, it's me. (:
:iconanarchypress:
It just bugged me. Maybe because the line is so short.

Has Alex been around at all?

~M

--
[link]
:iconroot-kite:
sure. this was as much a play/test of rhythm as of rhyme.

no he hasn't. he's also all but ditched a project we've been working on since 2007.

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